Is He the One?

Is he the one? Have you ever asked yourself that question? Did you ever get an answer? Because in all reality, the answer to that question is probably the most important one you'll ever receive! Marriage isn't something that should be treated lightly. Despite what most media portrays, divorce really is a messy, painful, awful thing that you should try to avoid at all costs. Marriage is supposed to be a forever thing, not just a sounds-good-for-now thing. That being said, you really want to make sure that whoever you marry is someone that you would want to spend forever with. But how can you be sure he's not a psycho behind that seemingly charming personality of his? 

While there isn't really a fool-proof way of knowing whether or not the person you are thinking of marrying is as good as they seem, there are definitely some things you can do. In his book, How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk, John Van Epp gives some amazing advice on this. I highly recommend this book to everyone! One bit of advice he gives is in the form of the RAM model (relationship attachment model).  

The idea of this model is that you should never let an attachment on the left, be less than one on the right. Or in other words, you should never trust someone more than you know them. You should never rely on someone more than you trust them, and you should never have sex with someone you are not fully committed to. And you should never have sex with someone you don't know/trust/rely on/etc. So if you want to really know your partner, take a step back and make sure that your RAM is in order. The reason why this model is so important is because whenever we let a right attachment become higher than a left, we experience a bit of tunnel vision. If you have regular sex with someone that you've only known for a few weeks, you will begin to block-out any unsavory things you notice about their personality simply because the sex is great and all your physical needs are being met. And if they're a great sex partner surely they'd make a good husband right? WRONG. If you don't take the time to properly get to know someone, and I mean really know them, you can't possibly know if that person is right for you. You should know about their family situation, past relationships, budgeting habits, addictions, hobbies, and everything in between. You should never marry someone just because they are nice to look at and enjoy some of the same activities you do. 

Another important thing to consider in your relationship is what information is divulged and the timing of that information. If you go on a first date with someone and they tell you every traumatic event that has ever occurred in their life, you should run. Oversharing is a sign of someone that has their RAM all kinds of messed up. If you have been seriously dating someone for a year and don't even know how many siblings they have, you should also run. Under-sharing shows a dangerous RAM pattern too. You should share things when it feels right and natural, if it feels forced or uncomfortable than it probably means somethings off. That being said, Van Epp says that at the three month mark people can no longer hide patterns in their personalities. Meaning, if your boyfriend was a continuous jerk for three months he wasn't just going through a rough-spot. He's just a jerk. So, with the 3 month rule in mind, you should never commit to or take part in something that is monumental in a relationship until after this marker. Things like having sex, moving in together, getting engaged, and other big things are best done after 3 months of dating. (Personally I would say sex and living together shouldn't come until after the wedding bells have rung.)

We can never perfectly know the person we are hoping to marry, but we can make sure that we know them as best as we can. Marriage should never be entered into with the mindset that, if it doesn't work out, you can always get divorced. It should be entered with the determination to love the person you chose every day and do whatever it takes to make them happy. Happy spouse, happy house.